When you hear emotional immaturity, do you often think of a young child throwing a tantrum? Maybe the behavior of a friend or someone you know makes you feel like you’re back in high school. As the discussion and implementation of boundaries are becoming more prominent in our relationships, you may have found that possibly your parent(s) exemplifies some immaturity. Growing up, did you feel like you were different from your parents or family members? Maybe you were labeled as “sensitive” or “needing too much,” but all you needed was to be heard and understood. Did you have to walk on eggshells based on your parents’ mood, or felt that you had to hide parts of yourself? Identifying with any of these emotions or behaviors may mean you grew up with an emotionally immature parent.
Emotional maturity is being content with one’s own emotions, speaking about feelings, having empathy, and having the ability to share a deep emotional connection with others.
Establishing healthy emotional intimacy between a child and their parent(s) can include:
The child feels secure seeking comfort from their parents.
The parent is in tune with their child’s emotions.
The parent invites their child to speak about their feelings.
The parent and child engage in healthy communication.
Identifying Emotional Immaturity
Emotionally immature parents may fear emotional intimacy, respond defensively, ignore their child’s feelings, and create an uncomfortable environment for expressing emotions. Emotional unavailability tends to be an intergenerational issue from immigration, trauma, loss, substance abuse, or other stressors in the family system. Growing up with parents who did not provide an adequate emotional connection with you may lead to feelings of emotional loneliness. Without experiencing an emotional connection to one or more parents, children cannot develop a sense of security during such a crucial learning period or adequately conceptualize what is happening.
Experiencing emotional unavailability in childhood may lead to a person:
Growing up too quickly since they have to take care of themselves.
Neglecting one’s own needs and putting the needs of others before them.
Low self-esteem or self-worth.
Inability to trust other people.
Fear of rejection or expressing emotions not to upset or bother others.
Taking on a specific role or hobby to gain attention or acceptance.
Struggling to identify or set boundaries.
Lindsay C. Gibson, the author of Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, created a quiz to identify common patterns and behaviors of emotionally immature parents. If you have grown up with this type of parent and want to learn more, please visit the link below to complete the quiz: Click Here
Working Through Emotional Inability
If you took the quiz and found these questions were present in your childhood, you may have experienced an emotionally immature parent. Sharing this may have made you feel shut out, unheard, invalidated, angry, or upset. Since emotionally unavailable parents provide stress rather than support, you may have felt lacking a support system. Many cultures emphasize family, which may mean engaging in pleasing people or not upholding boundaries not to break the family dynamic. “People pleasing” can cause tremendous strain on a person, as they may endure this treatment in silence. Unfortunately, it is not always feasible to deal with emotionally immature parents. Depending on the severity of the issue, it may lead to cutting out all contact. If you decide to continue a relationship with your emotionally unavailable parent, below are some ways to Cope with emotionally unavailable parents.
Set Boundaries
Limiting or cutting contact with your parent may be beneficial depending on their level of emotional immaturity. Other ways to set boundaries include advocating for yourself, leading the interaction, and selecting specific locations to spend time with your parent.Seek Therapy: Connecting with a Mental Health Profession to work through learned habits, discover healthy communication styles, and work through self-esteem or trust issues may help mitigate stress and other symptoms.
Identify Values You may have lost yourself or feel you had to walk on eggshells for so long. Discovering what is important to you, what your beliefs are, and who you want to be.
Self-Exploration” You may have felt invisible or weren’t able to be yourself. Identifying your true authentic self and stepping out of the rescuer role is essential.
Self-Care: To alleviate stress and promote well-being, find activities or things that bring you joy. Activities that bring joy may include engaging in art, exercising, watching your favorite show, spending time with friends, listening to music, or sleeping well.
If you found that this article resonated with you, and you would like to continue the exploration of emotional immaturity, please reach out to one of our Care coordinators to set up an appointment with a professional.
Written by Victoria Sforza