My parents got divorced when I was young and the majority of my life consisted of living in two separate houses in two separate states. As I got older, I began to stay at one house more than the other due to the proximity to my friends and where I was going to school. This resulted in numerous fights not only between my parents but also between myself and my parents. Later on, the relationship between myself and my parents was slightly salvaged, however it is apparent that more work needs to be done so that my family can be united under one front once again.
When people first tell me their parents split, the first thing I ponder is how the family will approach this new era in their lives. Each divorce has unique characteristics, however, over time, I have observed that one concept remains the same: the parents struggle to maintain their children’s mental health. With numerous fights over custody and physical change with parents no longer living together, their children silently suffer. Although divorce is the healthiest step for the parents, how the parents handle themselves determines their children’s future mental health. From experience and backed by research, I want to shed light on important dos and don’ts that parents need to keep in mind so that their children remain mentally healthy.
The child should never be “the messenger.”
When I was younger, my parents would tell me what they thought, and then I would have to tell the other parent what they thought. Now, the way this was achieved is more subtle than you believe. Asking questions to your child, such as “What did your mom say?” or “What does your dad think about this?” are two common examples that appear to make your child not the messenger when it does. To avoid this from occurring altogether, do not ask the child what your former partner thinks, believes, or is doing daily. If you are curious, ask the partner directly because this will demonstrate to your children maturity and, more importantly, won’t instill the need of them to choose between one parent or another.
(Source: Family Therapy Center of Bethesda)
Talk about your former partner in a negative way
When parents are in the process of a divorce, it is necessary to vent what you are feeling, because it is a frustrating and difficult time. Nevertheless, this does not mean you should talk about your frustration about your ex-spouse to your children. Parents forget that the children are the innocent party throughout all of this. They did not cause the divorce and they do not need to know how they hurt you. Although your former partner hurt you emotionally or due to other external factors, this does not give you the right to affect how they parent your children. From personal experience, I had both parents talk in a negative light to me, forcing me to trust neither parent for a significant amount of time. The only way to prevent this is to take that negativity somewhere else, such as seeking professional help or a therapist.
(Source: Collaborative Family Law Association)
Make promises that you cannot keep
By promising time with your child or gifts etc. that you know you cannot maintain, this instills false hope in the child. Not only will this bring disappointment to them, but the child will lose trust in you and your parenting. The only way to prevent this is to simply ask yourself if you can keep the promise before you tell them.
(Source: Homiletic & Pastoral Review)
Hold information from the child
When I was younger, my parents did not tell me certain parts of their divorce simply because I was too young to understand. Although this sounds practical in practice, this actually deteriorates the established trust between you and your child. You can temporarily hold the information from the child due to age, however, this does not entitle you to hold it from them as an adult. Open communication is the only way to maintain a healthy relationship with your children and ensure their mental health is protected.
(Source: Untangle The Knot)
Remind your children that it wasn’t their fault for you and your partner’s separation
Have open communication with your children
Speak positively about your ex
Understand that your children cannot be negotiated between you and your ex
If you believe that you are currently exhibiting this behavior and need additional help, seek professional help, such as a therapist or social worker, for further assistance and guidance.