When we were a child, we often glorified our parents and felt this internal desire to make them proud. As life progresses, we continuously are seeking the monumental “I’m so proud of you” moment whether that is through acceptance to a dream school or finishing first in an athletic event. The journey to these crucial moments requires parental love and support, but is your form of love and support simply added pressure? 

Every time I went to take a test in high school, I slowly began to recognize I was cracking under the pressure. This pressure wasn’t from not studying or me failing the class, it was external. In my brain, every test came with a fine print label, telling me that if I failed, my mother and father would resent me. I would study extensively for hours on end till the material was an engraved tattoo on my body. I was not studying for the sake of learning, I was studying so that I would not feel like a disappointment in my family. At the time, I had two older siblings attending competitive colleges so I began to take my parent’s support and internalize it as pressure to succeed. I no longer felt love and support from them, but continuous pressure to not fail. I knew they weren’t explicitly telling me that if I failed my math or history exam I would be a failure, but the word choice and body language they used convinced me otherwise. And it wasn’t just me, it was a majority of the peers in my classes as well. One of my friends in high school would tell me he slept an average of 4 hours per night to have more time to study. It didn’t hit me till college that this pressure has become a common theme not only among myself but my peers as well. 

(Source: American Psychological Association)

Parents want what’s best for their children, but sometimes the parent’s vision for what’s best disagrees with the child’s values. So how can you recognize whether or not you are doing this? Studies have been conducted by Arizona State University that have displayed common trends regarding a child’s success. The study done on sixth graders and their parents’ values revealed that parents that emphasize the child’s achievements over their kindness resulted in less successful futures. These achievements can range from academia to athletics to extracurricular activities, all of which can induce stress and anxiety on a child. It was also revealed through a Harvard University article that if you begin to see your child changing their eating and sleeping habits, this is a potential sign of parental pressure. Think back to my high school friend with his lack of sleep: his habits were a reflection of his parents applying too much pressure on him to succeed academically. The Harvard article also noted that if you force your child to participate in activities that they are not interested in for college resumes or other external factors, this is also a sign of projecting too much pressure on your child. To put it simple: if you are overworking your child, their chances of achieving the success you want them to have will decline and increase their chances of developing anxiety and depression.

(Source: Money Crashers)

How do we prevent this unnecessary pressure from flaring up? Here are some tips that can help:

• Redirect your values so that kindness is at the top. This does not mean completely disregarding academic or other achievements, but second it to your child’s ability to help others and tackle the world with compassion. 

• Demonstrate effective communication skills by understanding how your child understands “I’m proud.” For instance, if your child understands body language better than vocabulary, matching their energy with body language and voice tones should have a heavier emphasis than the language alone.

• Observe your tones when you talk to your child. Although your tone sounds cheerful, your child might view it as scolding and internalize it. 

• Emphasize that the relationships your child has with others are as important as their achievements. This will benefit their self-worth and lessen the chances of them developing unnecessary stress. 

Overall, the way we raise our children determines their success and although we want what is best for them, the parental support we envision does not always align with reality.